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please, don't tell me how beautiful it is that i've parted my thighs like the sea. 

because there is nothing pretty about the tears in last nights dinner, or the way my hands shake around silverware. i am not poetry, but a language lost --in the spaces where flesh used to occupy lies everything i needed to say, kept as the only thing i could ever bear to swallow. if you try to write sonnets about the scars on my knuckles or the arch of my ribs, i will tell you in nine syllables less that this is more than abstinence and foggy reflections. i will tell you how my little sister can carry me in her arms like a child, and how my father can hardly navigate my bedroom floor without touching the brown vomit stains that makes his brow heavy. i will tell you how it feels to hold your own heart in your hands, to feel it break and skip like an old, worn cd. i will tell you how i am nineteen and fishing through musty boxes of clothes from my childhood, only to find that not a single pair of shorts can fit my sadness right. 

because anyone who has bent themselves over the toilet bowl for a spine like rosary beads can tell you that counting each notch never managed to calm the rotten waters of their stomach. that at three in the morning, easing their heart back into their chest, they only pray that tomorrow, something stays down. and even if i am alive years from now, there will never be a single soul who will want to sing about how my kisses taste like vomit and diet cherry pepsi or how i never leave the bed sheets warm. because my bones ache for thunderstorms, and when it rains instead of staying inside and watching movies, i stand outside to see if becoming a live wire could make me feel more alive. because i am the worst dinner date, the mouth you never wanted the obligation to force-feed, and a skeleton lying still in your bed instead of your closet. because anyone who tries to hold me only ends up circumnavigating this body and embracing themselves, feeling nothing but a pulse beating blue against their chest.
 
because when i am smaller, i am so much more than just less. 
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-03-13
A wrenching true story of the struggle with an eating disorder: shrinking by AlloenDreams. ( Suggested by MadHat11D6 and Featured by neurotype )
:iconsarah--elizabeth:
Sarah--Elizabeth Featured By Owner May 5, 2014  Professional General Artist
Oh my goodness, this deserves so much more recognition.
Reply
:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014
The imagery is clever, the metaphors striking. This piece is frighteningly sad, and it's admirable how you can tackle it so head-on.
Reply
:iconshedares:
SheDares Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sadly beautiful :heart:
I've been struggling with bulimia myself for about two years now; I pray that I never reach the stage that you have described. It is one of those things that even once you've managed to stop, I don't think you ever truly recover...
BUT, however tough it may be, it can get better :tighthug:
Reply
:icontheblackdragoninn:
TheBlackDragonInn Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is absolutely beautiful, and heart-wrenching and painful for someone who's been there in my own way. Extremely well written. <3
Reply
:iconjojo22:
jojo22 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is an all too often common story.  We live in a world that is, quite frankly, confusing.  Women see images of other women being objectified on a constant basis, and usually these women are unbelievably photoshopped perfection.  An interesting video here:

sftimes.co/?id=17&src=shar…

We constantly receive the message that we are inadequate and that our value is in our shell, not our souls. 

At the same time, the foods we are given to eat, that taste the best and are usually cheapest, have such a high calorific content that it directly jars against this goal of impossible perfection.  Eating disoders exist between these two issues.

We need to improve the quality of the food we consume and objectify women less.  
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
i feel like a major cause is the way our society is associates food with emotion. both diet and food commercials always show exuberantly happy individuals, our social norms are to eat excessively after a traumatic event to numb it, and our nutritional view points are breaking down food to such a molecular level that its impossible to view it as it should be. food is no longer just sustenance, but has thousands of ideas pressed upon it to make it appealing, marketable, or comforting. 

i actually began showing signs of an eating disorder around age eight, as an attempt at emotional control. i never felt many of the commercialized pressures that are often associated with the disorder in media, though our diet and food driven society is incredibly hard to live in as someone who is trying to view food as simply sustenance. 

and, thank you so much for sharing your insight and opinions --i always find it incredibly interesting to hear other's points of view
Reply
:iconjojo22:
jojo22 Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome.  I had issues as a teenager and young adult.  Often linked to having critical parents with high expectations (as was the case for me).  It becomes an expression of control when you feel powerless.  I got a handle of it when I made exercise an important part of my life.
Reply
:iconsaiyanpelt-and-co:
Saiyanpelt-and-Co Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I hope you have gotten over this disorder, may God bless you if you haven't.
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014
i have had it since i was eight years old; it isn't something that will probably go away for quite some time, but i'm doing better and feeling better than i have in years. :heart:
it will go into remission, someday. and by that point, i'll be ready to study and help chronic patients like myself, finally.
Reply
:iconsaiyanpelt-and-co:
Saiyanpelt-and-Co Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You sound quite kind; may God bless you. :)
Reply
:iconlolli47:
lolli47 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2014
Damn.... Memories...
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:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
i hope they're only memories :heart:
Reply
:iconlolli47:
lolli47 Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2014
On and off... But I'm trying. <3
Reply
:iconrosella-of-daventry:
Rosella-of-Daventry Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"a spine like rosary beads", that gave me such a moment. I commend you for how beautifully you shared this. :rose:
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
thank you :heart: that, admittedly, is a favorite metaphor of mine.
Reply
:iconrosella-of-daventry:
Rosella-of-Daventry Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconrosescarlet:
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Student Writer
Oh gods.
wow.
that is just
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconrosescarlet:
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Student Writer
<3<3<3
Reply
:iconraphandroll:
RaphAndRoll Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I love this. I can relate but in a different way of suffering. Good job, you showed excellent writing skills and your details are flawless, I hope that all ends well and that soon you no longer have to feel such agony
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
suffering and pain are universal --its something every living, cognizant thing has in common. 
and thank you :heart: i'm actually at a rather high point in my recovery, though as always its slo progress
Reply
:iconraphandroll:
RaphAndRoll Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No prob.
Reply
:iconfatefullykinetic:
FatefullyKinetic Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sad Hug Extended This made me hurt so much for you.

It's been 8 months since you submitted this. I hope things are looking better.
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
i am doing better than i have in a while, but it's and up-down battle. two steps forward, one back has been what i've done for a while and probably will continue to, but i'll get there :heart: thank you
Reply
:iconmoonfairy1999:
moonfairy1999 Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Excellent.
I feel your tortured soul as though it were wet clay in my hands.
I have been there, perhaps I still am, where you are.
Reply
:iconmaplewolff:
MapleWolff Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I hate how much I relate to this. Eating disorders aren't "in" or "a phase" and I wish people would realize it.
Reply
:icondemon57:
Demon57 Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Nicely well done.Heart Heart Heart 
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
thank you :heart:
Reply
:icondemon57:
Demon57 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Cat blob 
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:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
oh no you've discovered my weakness! kitties are my absolute favorite :heart:
Reply
:iconkira-jones:
Kira-Jones Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
It's amazingly beautiful...just amazing it just makes my heart ache but a good ache I guess...I'm not sure
Reply
:iconchloesheree:
ChloeSheree Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist
Just wow. Thankyou for sharing something this personal, you have true talent with writing.
Reply
:iconiamoret:
iAmoret Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Beautifully written ♥ it's a difficult experience, and you've portrayed it eloquently. 

Congrats on the DD! :clap:
Reply
:iconmewn-san:
Mewn-san Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
So beautiful. My best wishes go to you... I've been down that road when I was thirteen, and it haunts for so many reasons but I move on, as I had for the past two years. And I know you can too.
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
it's been a long, long battle. twelve years of history, approximately. but i'm doing better and feeling better than i have in a long while, and it always helps to know other people are making it through, too.
Reply
:iconmewn-san:
Mewn-san Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
Yeah ;; I had to go to a rehab center so young; everybody has it different but really it's the same every time.
I'm rooting for you! 
Reply
:icondaisydinkle:
DaisyDinkle Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
This is absolutely beautiful. And I seriously mean that. You are extremely talented. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. Please don't waste this talent of yours. To have words like you do is such a gift and I greatly admire it. Good luck to you, my friend :cuddle:
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
oh, thank you! this is such a kind comment; it really made my night, despite reading it so late :heart:
Reply
:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this is incredible. :heart:
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
welcome :D
Reply
:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I've just reread and seen this is based on a true story. :hug: :glomp: there are not enough emojis to convey the virtual hug I am sending to you, and not enough thanks I can give to you for sharing this. :heart:
Reply
:iconlakesuperior:
LakeSuperior Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
Don't give up the struggle! You are beautiful and will triumph over your affliction one day. :)
Writing-wise, your language and vocabulary choices are excellent and your choice to leaved the "I"s uncapitalized is very clever.
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
thank you :heart: slowly i know i will heal, it's just been a long, long battle.
i lost my capitals only a few years back, but i think it makes more of a statement about the piece. it impersonalizes the "i" to allow the reader to connect with the piece more in a way, and i feel it does the same for the overall weight of the words in a piece --names, places, and the beginnings of a sentence aren't important. it's what the reader takes from it as a whole. 
Reply
:iconfnrrfygmschnish:
FnrrfYgmSchnish Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
Oh wow.  This is just... I'm not even sure how to describe it.  Sad? Kind of terrifying? I dunno.  Couldn't help but have the thought of "what if someone I knew was going through this sort of thing right now and I didn't even know?" pop into my head.  I literally had my eyes tear up a bit there for a moment.

I actually did know someone who struggled with bulimia years and years ago... I never found out about it until long after she had already recovered from that part of her life, but whenever I was around her back then I could sort of sense that something was "off" somehow, just couldn't figure out what it was or why (and at the time I was just too socially awkward to even think of asking if there was something bothering her or if she was okay.)  Never knew her incredibly well but that weird feeling I would always get around her even though we got along fairly well suddenly made sense when I found out that she had been struggling that whole time and just never really let people around her know...
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
eating disorders are such a silent disease, bulimia and ednos especially. there's so little knowledge of them out there beyond the weight stigma it makes it nearly impossible for people to recognize when someone close to them is struggling. it most certainly isn't your fault for not knowing or asking her about it --often, confronting people only scares them off. the best thing you can do (and i can tell, from the way you speak about the experience that you are) is just to be a kind friend and support her, because the illness always lingers. 

thank you so much for this :heart:
Reply
:iconradiantgloom:
RadiantGloom Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Student General Artist
This was really sad. I read it, and now my heart feels really heavy, and so this comment is going to seem really lame in comparison to how it actually made me feel. :( (Sad) 
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
sometimes admitting you're wordless means more than anything you could say :heart: thank you
Reply
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