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AlloenDreams
jess
United States
destroy what destroys you

(terribly inactive but promises to respond to all notes and does really try her best to get to everything else)
she's alive, and so am i.

after one month in icu and another in rehab, my grandmother has been home one month as of the thirteenth. she's officially branded a medical marvel, bionic woman, subject of multiple senior theses. i, everyone, had honestly thought it was over. and now she is with me, planning next year's garden, adopting two four week old kittens, making blackberry honey cheesecake. everything is so normal it seems almost surreal. less than two months ago i was screaming my frustrations so loudly in the backyard the police were searching the woods. now, its all still in there, sediment and shit, and even though i know i should feel safe again, i don't.

i made a lot of mistakes in the time she was gone. i've done things i swore i never would again, unearthed parts of me i thought i'd never see again. i've lied too much. especially to myself.

you are not the granddaughter i left two months ago

its okay now; i'm home, you're home. you can eat now

if you have to go back to princeton i cannot and will not visit you. i've had enough to do with hospitals. i though you had, too

my father and grandmother made me promise to make doctor appointments tomorrow. i cannot stop getting sick. bending over opened something i had never intended to. i swore if my hands never touched my lips, it wouldn't hurt me. wouldn't count. would only be once. i'm the worst liar. 

i want it all so badly. the scale sitting in the tab next to this, the laxatives in the drawer downstairs, the razors in the bathroom. the car i'm about to buy, next semester's classes, this future, this person i'm trying to create. and i have to choose. soon.

 

there are words inside me and i can't get them out. i'd write them if i could, i'm sorry. 

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:icontales-of-tao:
Tales-of-Tao Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Student General Artist
Hey, lovely, I've been missing you lately. I hope all is well. :heart:
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:icondisabledaffections:
DisabledAffections Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
baby girl, I know today is gonna be tough for you.
you call me if you need to. I don't think you have my new number, I'll note you. I love you so much Jess. so much.
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:icondisabledaffections:
DisabledAffections Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
happy Easter <3 I hope the Easter bunny left you lots of eggs!
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:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014
thank you sweetheart :heart: i did get a bit of candy and made a big dinner for my family --but, your package was the best part of my weekend. you are so, so incredible jessica. i needed that pick-me-up terribly; you always seem to know just when to surprise me with your kindness. 

i'm going to try and send something very soon, university has just kept me busy lately. 
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:icondisabledaffections:
DisabledAffections Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad I could cheer you up<3
you're the most deserving person I know, you deserve love and happiness all the time.

don't worry about  sending me anything, I can be patient.
I'm  really proud of you, I know school takes so much energy from a person, just hearing from you makes my day a little brighter.
you just keep taking care of yourself.
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