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AlloenDreams
jess
United States
destroy what destroys you

(terribly inactive but promises to respond to all notes and does really try her best to get to everything else)
saturday marked two years self-harm free for me. 

somehow, the anniversaries are almost worse than any regular day. i feel some pride, but i'm also bombarded with memories of what it felt like. with how much i miss it. every time i touch a razor, a knife, a floral designer's blade at work i feel it itching under my skin. i feel like it will never go away, sometimes. i feel this insatiable need to hurt almost constantly, nagging me. 

today i took a scale into the changing room of a local department store, ripped it open, assembled it, and weighed myself. i am a number i have not seen in five years. a gray area that used to mean enough. that, years ago, used to mean i could stop. i have had double-beat-pause palpitations for the past week and a half nearly every day, if not twice a day. i am purging. i asked again, sober this time, no brandy on my breath, if it counts if i don't use my hands. and my boy simply held me and cried, begging me not to do it again. not to leave him. not to lose. 

i feel like i am losing. my father asked me to see a nutritionist, and after i laughed at the notion, to go back to outpatient therapy. i have all the options in the world now. i could fill a shopping cart with razor blades and bury them in every inch of my flesh. i could go back, buy that scale, and begin counting down, stop trying to work my way up. i could go to the hospital and beg them, twenty-five pounds from my lowest or not, to feed my brain and save my heart. 

but regardless of the now, the past seems so much more present. i keep thinking of numbers i cannot touch, places i cannot dare to let my fingers reach. i feel too big, like i'm trying on the wrong size clothing. my heart rattles around in this body, with too much empty space for it to fill. 

i'm trying to hold on. to own this. this is my accomplishment and regardless of my other failures, i have this. i never thought it would. if my heart were in this, i know i could have more. could be more. i want to be more but at the same time, i feel so small inside of myself. i can't seem to grow. 

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:icontales-of-tao:
Tales-of-Tao Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Student General Artist
Hey, lovely, I've been missing you lately. I hope all is well. :heart:
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:icondisabledaffections:
DisabledAffections Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
baby girl, I know today is gonna be tough for you.
you call me if you need to. I don't think you have my new number, I'll note you. I love you so much Jess. so much.
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:icondisabledaffections:
DisabledAffections Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
happy Easter <3 I hope the Easter bunny left you lots of eggs!
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:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014
thank you sweetheart :heart: i did get a bit of candy and made a big dinner for my family --but, your package was the best part of my weekend. you are so, so incredible jessica. i needed that pick-me-up terribly; you always seem to know just when to surprise me with your kindness. 

i'm going to try and send something very soon, university has just kept me busy lately. 
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:icondisabledaffections:
DisabledAffections Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad I could cheer you up<3
you're the most deserving person I know, you deserve love and happiness all the time.

don't worry about  sending me anything, I can be patient.
I'm  really proud of you, I know school takes so much energy from a person, just hearing from you makes my day a little brighter.
you just keep taking care of yourself.
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