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AlloenDreams
United States
“...throw roses into the abyss and say:
'here is my thanks to the monster who didn't succeed in swallowing me alive.”
friedrich nietzsche


(terribly inactive but promises to respond to all notes and does really try her best to get to everything else)

Activity


considering the dd i recently earned, i just wanted to say thank you to all my new watchers and old who have stuck around for an odd update and writing drop. this may be my fifth one (i double checked that number countless times, i'm still in awe) but the shock never goes away. 

i went to write an update, and realized i have been gone for nearly a year this time. an entire year. i am so, so terribly sorry to everyone for being gone so long without a word, for not keeping in touch, or even checking my feed regularly. i've missed you all, i've missed your words, your art, and i've missed writing. i don't want to make promises i can't keep, but i'm going to try to be here more.
  • semester four of college and my advisor wants me to shoot for my doctorate, probably my psy.d. i have potential, talent, skill. she landed me an undergraduate research position, which are coveted and competitive and my ticket to publication, recognition, and beyond. i am honored, humbled, and some days genuinely excited, but i don't feel worthy or ready. what if i reach and reach too far? what if there is nothing for me at the end of this but repetition, the same song ripped from my vocal cords again and again. this will kill me in less time than it would take to earn a doctorate; this could kill me any day. it steals this life in reverse, swallows the future years i'm struggling so hard just to make viable. i'm working towards more and more years of this life on repeat. some days i don't know if i'll be anything more than this.
  • the gas is turned off again, and after a summer of cold showers and microwave miracle dinners (i learned you really can make anything in a microwave, cooking instructions be damned), i'm trying to look into how to grill this thanksgiving's turkey and buy more space heaters for my father and sister. i left them behind because i couldn't handle how heavy the air there presses down on me, but i can't stand to leave her there for another winter without heat, without food, without stability. i keep stealing her away, sending her to my father's red eyes with armfuls of food and finally, new clothes. but that house is a leaky ship and i can't keep it afloat anymore, no matter how much love and money i pour into his hands. i just want her to make it two more years and move on, away. 
  • i am twenty one, growing older and growing, growing into what? i drowned my coming of age in moscato and my boy's warm body, crying into his shoulder again and again that i am not this, i am not old enough for this, that i am no more an adult now that i was when i turned eighteen, fifteen, thirteen. responsibility makes me sick, adulthood weighs on me like a brand. i can do anything, now: drown myself in bottles, drive until the my car collapses under the weight of itself, into me, into infinity. but i don't feel like i can do anything at all. i feel paralyzed by indecision, at the thought that i must leave my old life for the new one unfolding before me. the person i can be feels too far from who i am. who i am feels too close to who i was. 
  • one of the reasons i haven't been here in so long is because i wrote something. a really big secret something. something that started as an edited, truthful version of metastasis, became an answer to my boy's questions about that segment of my life, and evolved into a twelve thousand word monster. i'm sitting on it and have been for a few months and could really use some advice. i don't think it's appropriate to post here (length being only half the issue -this is really uncensored and blatantly triggering in many, many ways. i gutted metastasis, kept the framework, and finally told the truth, to him and more importantly myself. there's more of myself in this than anything i've ever written and it seems scary to expose these bits of myself, still). i'm admittedly, at a loss.
i miss and love you all. i'll be working through comments and notes and things but please, please keep in touch :heart:
i thought i had grief down to an art: 
throw the ashes to the wind, 
catch them in your mouth,
and move on

but i can't work through this
as if it were a checklist
loss is not linear,
a recipe reading:
simmer in sorrow, sadness, anger
until it is reduced by half,
a glaze of grief 
at the bottom of the pan

my doctor can keep
his Kubler-Ross model,
give her five stages
another five years
because i am not finished
tearing at my shirt,
painting mascara Roschorch
on my pillowcase,
letting my blood
of the oxygen we both breathed

i hear the respirators
when the rest of the house is asleep
your funeral flowers still
hang in the rafters of the attic,
raining down on me in the summer heat
i stare at pictures of you 
as old as i am now, to try and
remember your living face  
the cadence of the songs you sung
the line of freckles beach sun left 
on the underside of your tired eyes

this life is punctuated
by two days alone:
the day your heart began beating
and the day it stopped
and acceptance reads
like the closing of a chapter,
the cessation of a cycle, 
that time says ended 
six years ago
half-centennial

this felt unfinished, until i realized the whole point was how unending this all is. i can't finish it.

you would have been fifty tomorrow. i’m skipping all my classes to scream out on jetties and let salt settle in my hair because the word mom, mother, burns through me right now. the loss is too raw again, and these aren’t even the right words to explain it. 

i wish it had been me. i wish i were with you. i wish i had just done it six years ago. i don’t feel safe in this skin that is half yours. those, i suppose, are closer.

Loading...
considering the dd i recently earned, i just wanted to say thank you to all my new watchers and old who have stuck around for an odd update and writing drop. this may be my fifth one (i double checked that number countless times, i'm still in awe) but the shock never goes away. 

i went to write an update, and realized i have been gone for nearly a year this time. an entire year. i am so, so terribly sorry to everyone for being gone so long without a word, for not keeping in touch, or even checking my feed regularly. i've missed you all, i've missed your words, your art, and i've missed writing. i don't want to make promises i can't keep, but i'm going to try to be here more.
  • semester four of college and my advisor wants me to shoot for my doctorate, probably my psy.d. i have potential, talent, skill. she landed me an undergraduate research position, which are coveted and competitive and my ticket to publication, recognition, and beyond. i am honored, humbled, and some days genuinely excited, but i don't feel worthy or ready. what if i reach and reach too far? what if there is nothing for me at the end of this but repetition, the same song ripped from my vocal cords again and again. this will kill me in less time than it would take to earn a doctorate; this could kill me any day. it steals this life in reverse, swallows the future years i'm struggling so hard just to make viable. i'm working towards more and more years of this life on repeat. some days i don't know if i'll be anything more than this.
  • the gas is turned off again, and after a summer of cold showers and microwave miracle dinners (i learned you really can make anything in a microwave, cooking instructions be damned), i'm trying to look into how to grill this thanksgiving's turkey and buy more space heaters for my father and sister. i left them behind because i couldn't handle how heavy the air there presses down on me, but i can't stand to leave her there for another winter without heat, without food, without stability. i keep stealing her away, sending her to my father's red eyes with armfuls of food and finally, new clothes. but that house is a leaky ship and i can't keep it afloat anymore, no matter how much love and money i pour into his hands. i just want her to make it two more years and move on, away. 
  • i am twenty one, growing older and growing, growing into what? i drowned my coming of age in moscato and my boy's warm body, crying into his shoulder again and again that i am not this, i am not old enough for this, that i am no more an adult now that i was when i turned eighteen, fifteen, thirteen. responsibility makes me sick, adulthood weighs on me like a brand. i can do anything, now: drown myself in bottles, drive until the my car collapses under the weight of itself, into me, into infinity. but i don't feel like i can do anything at all. i feel paralyzed by indecision, at the thought that i must leave my old life for the new one unfolding before me. the person i can be feels too far from who i am. who i am feels too close to who i was. 
  • one of the reasons i haven't been here in so long is because i wrote something. a really big secret something. something that started as an edited, truthful version of metastasis, became an answer to my boy's questions about that segment of my life, and evolved into a twelve thousand word monster. i'm sitting on it and have been for a few months and could really use some advice. i don't think it's appropriate to post here (length being only half the issue -this is really uncensored and blatantly triggering in many, many ways. i gutted metastasis, kept the framework, and finally told the truth, to him and more importantly myself. there's more of myself in this than anything i've ever written and it seems scary to expose these bits of myself, still). i'm admittedly, at a loss.
i miss and love you all. i'll be working through comments and notes and things but please, please keep in touch :heart:

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:iconbirdiebones:
birdiebones Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Congrats on your new DD, I am so proud of you.
I love you.
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2015
thank you sunshine, it never fails to surprise me.
i love you so much, and i've missed you nearly as much. how have you been, where have you been, are the leaves beautiful by you, yet?
Reply
:iconbirdiebones:
birdiebones Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I was trying to wait and reply to this until I had something good to say, but currently it doesn't seem like I'll feel better anytime soon.
I'm going through a lot of pain right now, both physical and emotional.

I read your journal though, and I wanted to say that I'm super proud of you.
I have missed you so much. 
Maybe when our lives calm down we can finally meet each other, that would be nice. Maybe in spring, because everything comes back to life then. Maybe it brings us back too.

I've just been home, by myself like I always am. These days seem to get so much lonelier when it gets colder. 
The leaves are red, yellows and orange. It's been pouring like you wouldn't believe. 
I love this weather, but I would like someone to share it with. 

I love you so much I can't even put it into words, I think of you so often, my butterfly. 
Reply
:iconpreston-kei:
Preston-Kei Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello! Happy birthday.
I want to wish you the best of luck. I'm preparing two presents to give you this weekend, so I hope you like them when they arrive.
Reply
:iconalloendreams:
AlloenDreams Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2015
oh, i'm sorry for getting to this late! i was away for a bit for spring break and then came down with a nasty cold, so i was a bit neglectful to da. 
thank you so much though, truly. that is so incredibly sweet of you :heart:
Reply
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