~AlloenDreams

flower press sighs

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About Deviant Member jess19/Female/United States

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jointedi remember days of holding your hands
and swearing they felt so heavy,
the synovial fluid that welled up
around your joints was liquid lead
for years i wished to give you
one thousand of my white blood cells
for each day i had to leave you
stranded on the kitchen floor
and when i finally learned the words
i wanted to tell you:
the doctors never made you stronger
with any injection or titanium bones
but you did yourself
every morning you stood
and opened your eyes
because today,
a woman asked me
if i would like to take home flowers for you
and i wanted to ask if in the coolers
she had enough yellow roses
to fill the spaces between your
kneecaps and every joint that ever ached
so maybe you would come back alive
if i could promise
pain wouldn't greet you jointed by ~AlloenDreams

2 Comments

thirteen steps to falling in love1. i spend the first two years we know each other sprawled out in the back of our school bus, trying to befriend girls with cigarette ash for skin. it takes months of letting tar settle in my lungs, but finally i find myself sitting next to you.
2. when we we're fourteen, you write out my name in an entirely new alphabet of obtuse triangles and right angles and dare me to guess who it is you like. i lie my way through the entire school year until two weeks before summer, when you give me all the clues.
3. to this day, you swear you fell in love with me the fall my mother was given her expiration date. i tell you the first morning of our sophomore year, and even though we are too scared to touch, your words would mean more than every heavy embrace up until her funeral.
4. you watch me fall down the stairs just once, and after seeing how i fold in on myself, swear never to see me hurt again. for four years you've caught me, and have amended that promise to try your bthirteen steps to falling in love by ~AlloenDreams

19 Comments

on growing lonelyi'm not about to mention the way your lips curl around your cigarette, because i know you no longer have a lover.
because i'm sure you would swallow them whole if it would help, if they could ignite your heart the way her hands used to. instead, i know you'll reach for any alcohol in the house, in hopes the way it burns can erase the ways ghosts glide between your ribcage each night, tumbling out your mouth as soon as you rise. you swear you haven't dreamed a single night in the three years since she died, so you stay awake for hours past midnight, praying for delirium to cast her on the side of the bed you can hardly bring yourself to touch, since the last thirteen years you have of her in pictures are hollow compared to the woman you first kissed.
so you go to the doctor she used to see in hopes he can tell you what fraction of the pain she felt you feel in your spine, walk on beaches once the sun goes down so maybe the bits of her in the sea will makeon growing lonely by ~AlloenDreams

8 Comments

posion ivyi can't promise i'll always remember how to breathe.
but i've learned to keep my mouth shut unless it's leaning in to meet yours, and even though that's come at the expense of words, everyone tells me it's best if what i swallow, stays down. and even though you call me fragile, you have to hold me tight, and hope when i balk, my legs don't splinter this time instead of nearly hitting the floor. and i don't know what to tell you this is --some call it chronic depression or seasonal affective disorder, but my doctor told me just to drink more milk, and my grandmother tells me the best vitamin d comes from the sun.
but milk makes me shutter at one hundred and twenty per 2% glass, and i blister and boil under the sun until my skin is kissed with cancer. and depression, we all know i've always had, but it shrinks and grows, uncontrollably, like the ivy on my grandmother's house. she tore each vine down two summers ago and even still, it left moonlight streaked against the wooden shingles thposion ivy by ~AlloenDreams

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~AlloenDreams

jess

United States

eighteen. writer. recovering purging-type anorexic.
hiding deep in the oceans of the east coast.
loves people, cooking, laughing, and reading.

hopes that while there's a million things to read and look at on here,
you will stop and make yourself at home.
because she wants nothing more to share stories, give
understanding, and a hug or two.

aims to one day spread the word about all her demons
and make everyone else aware of the signs,
the truth, and that help is here and everywhere,
always.

follow her on tumblr: [link]

and the blood in these veins isnt pumping any less

by ~AlloenDreams, May 4, 2013, 9:50:47 AM
Journals / Personal

spring is finally here --and that's meant a lot of things. i'm trying to go outside more and garden while watching our turtle, little maxine, try to eat my toes and chase after worms. i've put in my deposit for college, and even though i'm not sure about whether or not i'll be able to afford this school in particular, my dad is ready to take the chance. and there's community college, if things don't work. i have a job, too. i'll be working as a tour guide for an enclosed butterfly garden two times a week and on call for birthday parties and events --i start in less than one week, and will be working mother's day weekend as well.

and, mother's day is just a week away, too. it's hard. i'm not about to say it's anything but. and when sandwiched with an avalanche of ohyourthighgapyourspineyou'resoskinnyhowthinisyourwaists by a friend of my boy's, it makes it harder. we've started talking more, much more about anything and everything. about my past and his. and, about my mom. we couldn't go to the beach together because of car issues, but instead we spent a lot of time talking about her the other night. stories about her from the good days, and the bad. she would have liked him --appreciated his sarcasm and dedication and would have had fun joking with him, for sure. and after that, i cried. i let myself cry in front of him, where normally i try to stop myself or he tries to stop me because he can't stand to see me sad. but, i just laid there for a while and he kissed every tear away.

and today's his birthday, so we were able to wake up together in his bed and i could wish him a happy birthday as soon as he opened his eyes. he finally got to open the present i had been keeping from him for weeks (i got him a copy of the world ends with you for the ds, since he's a huge gamer, and made the insert and instruction booklet into his "card"), and now we're about to go out to brunch. i'm going to have dinner with his family tonight, birthday cake, and and ben & jerry's movie night. and i'm going to do my best, and be okay, and be happy. dammit, i am going to be happy.

14 Comments

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Comments

=Sammur-amat 13 hours ago General Artist

Hello there, lovely person!

You've just been featured in my journal: [link]

It would mean the world to me if you could favorite the article and maybe even find some pieces worth faving as well?

Thank you so very much for your time!

=Sammur-amat May 5, 2013 General Artist

Hello there, lovely person!

You've just been featured in my journal: [link]

It would mean the world to me if you could favorite the article and maybe even find some pieces worth faving as well?

Thank you so very much for your time!

~AlloenDreams 6 days ago

oh, thank you!

i'm rather late in responding, but i promise i will read through the pieces on here --i don't have time to reach on here much anymore, but i always try to look through your features; i've never once been disappointed.